You may think that once you are out of danger, you can finally move on and live your life happily. But no, even when you are out of danger, your body and brain doesn’t forget the trauma. The trauma stays with you, maybe for many years, or even for a lifetime. It will take you years to realise, overcome, and then finally, move on. Healing will never be a smooth process, but as gruelling as it can be, it is absolutely necessary. If you are someone who is struggling through the healing phase, I am extending my arms, hoping to transcend this virtual barrier with my words, and engulf you in a warm embrace, because I know….it is not easy.
It may feel like you are lost in the middle of the sea, frightened and nervous, trying to hold the boat steady as the raging waves try every trick to topple you over. Right now, your loved ones will be your lifelines. People who will love you no matter what, people who will deal with you even when you are acting out or in the wrong, those people are your lifelines. Hang on to them, because you will, for sure, falter many times. In those times, it is only your loved ones who will help you get up and fight again.
I don’t have a clear timeline of my experiences. A lot of it has been blurred because it has been too much for my body to handle. Your brain deliberately withholds some memories from your conscious being to protect you, and it then brings you back those memories when you are finally out of danger and capable enough to process it. This is called selective amnesia, its real, I have experienced. I know! your brain is more powerful than you think.
I can confirm that from the age of 21, I have not been sexually assaulted. So, for almost 6 years, I have through major instances of sexual assault, on and off. That is a whole lot of trauma to deal with, and for the same reason, it has taken me more than two years to get my life stable.
I am currently in the most stable phase of my life, but the journey to this point hasn’t been easy. Sometimes, I have felt that life is so unfair. First, I had to go through such harrowing experiences, and now, I have to suffer even though I have never done anything wrong ever. Do I still feel it is unfair? Yes. But I am coming to the realisation that when it comes to life, you can never be rigid with labels. There is no such thing as fair or unfair, right or wrong, good or bad, life is not so black and white. Life comes in waves, and you have to become capable enough to stay strong even when the mightiest wave hits you.
My therapist compliments me on my flexibility. I have been flexible with everything, I can adjust to any circumstance. It seems like a superpower I was born with, or maybe its a quality I adapted as I grew through these difficult experiences. But I have been able to move on from difficult experiences instantly, without remaining stuck to my past. That’s the only reason why I have been able to heal myself from 6 years of trauma in the short span of two years. Many survivors remain stuck in their past for years, angry at their abusers. But while you remain angry at your abusers, you are also losing out on so many precious years of life. You must realise that you can’t go back into the past and hurt your abuser back. Your past is done. You. Cannot. Go. Back. You can start only once you have come to this realisation.
I have never felt anger. Partly because I was groomed into believing that my abusers were caring for me, and not abusing me, and partly because I move on easily. Many a time, I used to wonder why I didn’t feel angry towards my abusers. It was a puzzling question, I felt like I was so broken that I didn’t even feel normal emotions anymore. It was only when my therapist said that I don’t feel anger because I have moved on, that I could put my thoughts to rest. I am not broken, I am just flexible.
I can go on. But I am going to keep the rest for the upcoming posts. I have a lot more to tell you, and I will be back, take care.
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